Loving conflict!? Sounds like a joke, doesn’t it?
Who in their right mind would LOVE conflict? Who would even WANT to love conflict? Wouldn’t it be a lot more desirable to make conflicts GO AWAY?
And yet, have you noticed that somehow conflicts, arguments, disagreements, and fights seem to be an inevitable part of being in relationship?
Sure, in some relationships, conflicts show up as major blow-ups and violent fighting, while in others they are more like minor disagreements you don’t really talk about.
Most of us would agree that life would simply be better and easier if there just weren’t ANY conflicts, correct?
And still, you find yourself being annoyed with the same things over and over again, you know, that THING he does, that THING she always says.
You may ask, How can there not be a conflict when he never helps in the house and doesn’t really listen when you’re trying to tell him something?
And who can avoid being irritated when she constantly tries to correct you and nag at you, when you just want a break?
We hear questions like those over and over again from the couples we support. And we see how your current way of dealing with conflicts tears you apart and creates rifts between you.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
The only reason conflicts are so upsetting and detrimental is you don’t have a better way to deal with them. If you knew a better way, you’d use it, right?
Well, let’s put you on the track to a completely new way of looking at conflict.
You see, what tricks you is you think you just need a new way to “communicate”, by which you probably mean “a way to get my partner to finally understand what I’m saying!”
We’ve seen it a hundred times: A couple learns a new technique to communicate, they use it, and are disappointed to find the conflicts didn’t cease. Now they’re more frustrated, and they hate the conflict. So they go back to trying to make it go away, argue, fight, compromise, run away, give up, or simply pretend there’s no problem (when really there’s a BIG problem now).
How most of us try to deal with conflict is like putting on a bandaid when you have internal bleeding! Sure, it might add a bit of comfort, but it won’t cure the actual problem and restore you to health.
And it’s no wonder we just want it go away, because it’s just so TIRING!
You need to go deeper into what conflicts really are. One of the surprising revelations we’ll share with you in Loving Conflict is that conflicts actually stem from your desires and commitments. They are actually expressions of something good, something that you want.
Let’s restate that: Conflicts are GOOD, every single one of them. They come with a personalized gift for you, that you can get from nowhere else.
Conflict are NOT, as you may think, pointless dung heaps that reek and smell and get worse over time. They’re more like gold mines, where, sure, there may be tons of useless rubble surrounding them, but there’s PURE GOLD also!
Your conflicts are more like messengers of good news than they are the announcers of the end of your relationship. You know why that is?
Every time you experience a conflict, whether minor annoyance or major anger outburst, it’s telling you about something you want. It’s trying to show you that there’s something NEW that is wanting to show up for you and your partner.
But just like you wouldn’t go looking for gold in a dung heap, you also wouldn’t look for gold in conflicts as long as you believed them to be nothing but disturbers of the peace, right? However, if you had good reason to assume conflicts actually HELD GOLD FOR YOU, you’d pay attention in a different way, yes?
Once you’ve listened to the profound and extremely surprising approach in Loving Conflict, you’ll never look at your conflicts the same again. You will see there is hope (yes, even for you, and that’s no matter how bad you are with conflicts right now).
And to make it more relevant and practical for you in your daily life, we actually act out a REAL FIGHT. Yep, a real, everyday fight. And then we show what’s REALLY going on in the background of a fight.
For example, you may be surprised to know that you’re NEVER upset about the the things you argue over! It’s always something else.
And at the end, we’ll act out another real fight, but this time incorporating all the new insights we’ve shared with you. As you can imagine, the second fight is VERY different!
One of our students, when he heard our fight, said, “That’s EXACTLY how it is when I come home. I want to learn to do it like you guys…!”